It's been so long since I write here. I do have been writing so much but not here. I have like lots of books, notes on laptop and phone and ipad. I just love to write down everything. That's the only time I can truly feel myself thus I write this phrases "I only feel myself when I write, but not when I say it". I do realize that I should speak up more but I just I don't know. I feel like it's not worth the talk anyway and maybe because I have this pride that I just want to feel everything is alright and avoid the silly conflict. Like, I am in this alright world which deep down, I am not. 

And I've been thinking so much about the past on how nothing really changes actually. I've went to different and far places, be in situations that I shouldn't put myself into, tolerate this and that. I tend to go with the flow so much yet I still don't find anything wrong about this. I feel like by this, all the things that happen are naturally like that thus, I find the raw impression towards something or someone, like that is indeed the truth and only I know it. 

And the more I delve into this, the more I realize that I always be with and be in this same kind of people. I guess I keep attracting the same just like before because I myself haven't change properly. I still am a negative person but I just couldn't help it. And when I try to be someone I want to be, it feels forced so I don't know. Thus, I still just go with the flow anyway. 

I would soon be in a new chapter of my life. I feel a little scared cuz what if, it will turn out the same just like the past and now? I do want better too. 24 years old is a serious age cuz only 6 years after, I will be 30 years old. Hm. But 2-4 years would change my life so much so I kinda have faith that I still have time to create a better life for myself. 

Besides, I have this dream of mine since teenager which is - I want to live and settle down in Kota Kinabalu. Because finally, I truly feel like I am belong somewhere. After everything in my life, KK is the place that I don't know, gives me the serenity and comfort that I am safe and just feel so belonged. Thus, I try so hard to find a secure career here but maybe this not meant for me for now. And because I believe in going with the flow, I don't mind anywhere else because maybe there is another place that I would find comfort too. Because actually it's not because of the town/places, it's the environment, the people there. If I feel accepted by them. But anyway, I hope I am just alright in any situation and places. 

I wish and attract goodness in life. I will be and will create my hopes. 

Oh ya, besides, I feel so heavy because I will leave my cat Ming-Ming. Even if I save money to bring her with me, it just would not feel right for her because she would be alone while I will be busy working. I feel so sad now thinking about this, leaving her. I call her many names which are:

Ming-Ming

Mingserr / Kemingserr

Kemingseres / Kemingg

Green cat (cuz her eyes are green but somehow her body is indeed green too hahaha)

Hahaha these names are so funny to me because the word 'keming' in bajau I think or maybe just in my family, the word means the type of cat face that is very thin like so keming hahaha. Ming-Ming is not keming but I just find it funny to call her that way hahahah so I come out with various names above hahaha.

Hm. I feel so sad and heavy and scared. I will enter a new life and not stable yet. 

But anyway, I wish and hopes for the best. I believe in kindness and His plan. 

Besides, I accept all bad things that had happened to me or still happening to me as like, this might be for me to redeem all past hurts that I've done. And maybe my past life was that I might be not a good person so this life, I have to repay and get back all the karmas. It's okay I guess. Plus there are some sides of me that is awful so I have to get my lesson and learn. 

Oh ya, but anyway, I get to know lots of songs and music which is my biggest blessing in this life. So, I do feel thankful anyway for everything that had happened even the sad and bad ones. 

Weather: day, clear sky, in my dark room while sipping DOZO coffee