It's been so long since I write here. I do have been writing so much but not here. I have like lots of books, notes on laptop and phone and ipad. I just love to write down everything. That's the only time I can truly feel myself thus I write this phrases "I only feel myself when I write, but not when I say it". I do realize that I should speak up more but I just I don't know. I feel like it's not worth the talk anyway and maybe because I have this pride that I just want to feel everything is alright and avoid the silly conflict. Like, I am in this alright world which deep down, I am not. 

And I've been thinking so much about the past on how nothing really changes actually. I've went to different and far places, be in situations that I shouldn't put myself into, tolerate this and that. I tend to go with the flow so much yet I still don't find anything wrong about this. I feel like by this, all the things that happen are naturally like that thus, I find the raw impression towards something or someone, like that is indeed the truth and only I know it. 

And the more I delve into this, the more I realize that I always be with and be in this same kind of people. I guess I keep attracting the same just like before because I myself haven't change properly. I still am a negative person but I just couldn't help it. And when I try to be someone I want to be, it feels forced so I don't know. Thus, I still just go with the flow anyway. 

I would soon be in a new chapter of my life. I feel a little scared cuz what if, it will turn out the same just like the past and now? I do want better too. 24 years old is a serious age cuz only 6 years after, I will be 30 years old. Hm. But 2-4 years would change my life so much so I kinda have faith that I still have time to create a better life for myself. 

Besides, I have this dream of mine since teenager which is - I want to live and settle down in Kota Kinabalu. Because finally, I truly feel like I am belong somewhere. After everything in my life, KK is the place that I don't know, gives me the serenity and comfort that I am safe and just feel so belonged. Thus, I try so hard to find a secure career here but maybe this not meant for me for now. And because I believe in going with the flow, I don't mind anywhere else because maybe there is another place that I would find comfort too. Because actually it's not because of the town/places, it's the environment, the people there. If I feel accepted by them. But anyway, I hope I am just alright in any situation and places. 

I wish and attract goodness in life. I will be and will create my hopes. 

Oh ya, besides, I feel so heavy because I will leave my cat Ming-Ming. Even if I save money to bring her with me, it just would not feel right for her because she would be alone while I will be busy working. I feel so sad now thinking about this, leaving her. I call her many names which are:

Ming-Ming

Mingserr / Kemingserr

Kemingseres / Kemingg

Green cat (cuz her eyes are green but somehow her body is indeed green too hahaha)

Hahaha these names are so funny to me because the word 'keming' in bajau I think or maybe just in my family, the word means the type of cat face that is very thin like so keming hahaha. Ming-Ming is not keming but I just find it funny to call her that way hahahah so I come out with various names above hahaha.

Hm. I feel so sad and heavy and scared. I will enter a new life and not stable yet. 

But anyway, I wish and hopes for the best. I believe in kindness and His plan. 

Besides, I accept all bad things that had happened to me or still happening to me as like, this might be for me to redeem all past hurts that I've done. And maybe my past life was that I might be not a good person so this life, I have to repay and get back all the karmas. It's okay I guess. Plus there are some sides of me that is awful so I have to get my lesson and learn. 

Oh ya, but anyway, I get to know lots of songs and music which is my biggest blessing in this life. So, I do feel thankful anyway for everything that had happened even the sad and bad ones. 

Weather: day, clear sky, in my dark room while sipping DOZO coffee

My Blessings

Friday, May 8, 2020 @ 4:50 AM | 0 Comment(s)

Hye! I always look at all negativity in life but forget that I have so many blessings in my life. These are all my friends that I really appreciate because they still accept and help me in rough times.

First of all, this is Sara, no H actually, just Sara. Her full name is very long and she is my babe, my girlfriend. I really love her. She is the number one in my heart. She has done many beautiful things just for me. The first time I truly fell in love to her was when I wanted to go home to change my clothes but all my other friends told me that I was just acting so childish and should accept the way I dress that day. But I really didn't like how I look so I expressed my feelings with such disappointment and sadness. But Sara, she was the only one that really care and took a very serious action towards how I felt. She agreed and supported me. So, she willingly wanted to walk home with me even though the weather was really hot and there was no bus, so we walked home without umbrella. I just like, wow. This kind of person exists and I'm truly blessed to have her in my life. Besides, she always come to my house to be with me and walk around at outside without no direction even though the day is pouring rain. I feel very safe and accepted by her and feel like I can do what I want to do when I'm with her. She always support me no matter what and she never judge me. And honestly, both of us never have a fight since the first time we met until now. I'm a person that prefer to walk instead of taking a bus so sometimes when I'm with people and they hate walking, I could only remain silent even though I actually want to walk. But, with Sara, I can walk for miles with her and she never complain instead, she loves it just like me. I really love her very much. When I'm sad, she will rapidly call me and want to listen to what I feel and give me the loves and supports that I need. Wow, this kind of person is exist. She also always bake me something or cook for me or buy me a present. Thanks, babe. I hope you will always be happy and get everything that you want. And I will always be here for you and express my love so much for you until eternity which is forever, no ending.

This is Yana. She is my bebi or you can also say that she is my girlfriend. Yana and I have been together since matriculation, we both in a same class and loving a same teacher, which is our tutorial math teacher, Cikgu Syarmallah. I'm a quiet kid and I don't socialize much with people, but Yana, somehow wanted to study with me in her room. Since then, I always come to her room and sleep with her. Yana and I also always watch movie together in her laptop so whenever I go to her room, I will always make sure I bring my spectacles hahaha. Watching movie with her is one of my favourite thing do to in this life. And I don't know why but she always call me beautiful, like every day. And I was like, wtf? We also like the same meal at that time which was nasi goreng sotong extra pedas. And I really admire her determination and her success in academic. She is such a clever girl. I really love it when we study together at a study room until midnight, until we heard some weird ghost shit at that time hahaha. She taught me and guided me in study and this really helped me a lot to understand more and I very thankful to have her in my life. She is also such a beautiful girl outside and inside. I like how she can still look beautiful even though she just wear a tudung sarung which will look ugly on other people except her. She is really a best friend that will help you during your difficult times. Whenever I'm sick, she is the one that will make sure I'm alright. I don't swallow a pill so I dissolve the pill with water then I drink it. Yana knows this and she will always dissolve the pill for me when I'm sick and make sure I drink it. She will also make sure I take a shower if I'm sick and because of this, I will shower if I'm sick and this really helps me a lot for my health. Yana is one of the people that truly knows many things about me and what I truly am. But just like other relationship, Yana and I fight quite a lot. There is a difference between us that is hard for us to compromise but somehow, she still accept me and talk to me even though I've been such a jerk on her. There was a time when I felt like, maybe this is the end for our relationship. I cried for a week until my eyes hurt and I didn't come to class because I didn't want to see her face as I was afraid I will miss her even more. I really don't want to lose her and thank God, God granted my doa which was for her to be my friend again. I'm really sorry for everything I've done to you and I will always improve myself so I can be with you in my greatest condition. And, thank you very much for being such a beautiful bebi for me. I love you very much and I hope our relationship will getting stronger with times.

This is me, Yana, Ikin, and Kireen. Yana and I obviously together in UKM because both of us already together since matriculation. Ikin is Yana's roommate and she is very such a cool person to hang out with. She can do anything by herself and I really admire her because of that. She is the type of person that you can ask something, and she will agree and getting hype with you. She is really awesome and can get along with anyone. I learnt a lot from her so I can socialize more with other people. Kireen pula, is Ikin's friend. Kireen is such a cutie and ayu girl. She has such a pure and sincere heart. She also speaks softly which is very ayu. She and Yana, both such a clever girl. She is a type of girl that you can definitely say a wife material. She deserves much more and I hope she will always get what she truly want in life. 

I put this picture because there is Zikirih there. Zikirih is Ikin's friend and because of that, Zikirih and I became friends. He is such a gentleman and very loyal. He is also very hardworking in study. The common thing between us is both of us love LoFi. He has done a lot for me and I'm very thankful for that. I hope he will get what he wants and finally have a girl that he deserves. 

This is my friends since high school. In this picture is me, Sara, Alen or Lina, and Shat. Let's start with Alen. Alen is the mom in our group but the most beautiful thing that I really admire about her is she is very empathetic and understand deeply about emotions. She also always try her best to get us closer to God. I'm very grateful to have her in my life. She also can give you the best advice in life so whenever I need to know something, I will ask her and she will give me the most beautiful answer that I didn't know I need it. She is very beautiful and also a wife material. Her words are very powerful and because of this, I can feel calm and blessed. Next is Shat. Shat, the most funniest person I've encountered. I always laugh when I'm with her because she is very funny and always positive. She always hide her problems and show a smile and I admire her strength for this. She also such an outgoing person and can get along with anyone. Because of this, I can feel comfortable to do stupid shit when I'm with her. Her silly jokes always crack me up like crazy. I'm very happy for her because she has a boyfriend now and I hope both of them last long together. 

Next is Tira, my idol and Khairi, my shitty brother. Tira is such an amazing person. She is really strong and very care for her family more than herself. Tira is my idol because she is very wow, the kind of person that you will always say "kau jgla, tira" because she is damn, it's quite hard for me to describe. She is the type of person that you can talk for hours and hate the same person together. I really admire her strength and her very bright smile. I really want to meet her soon because it's been years since the last time I saw her in front of my eyes. And when I finally able to meet her, I want to take her to a great restaurant because she once spent me eating bakso in bandar Sandakan. She said sorry to me because she could only spend me a cheap meal at that time. Wtf, babe, I really appreciate it very much at that time, I don't care whether it's cheap or expensive. And because of this, I really want to give her more. Next is Khairi. Khairi is my annoying little brother but since he is now becoming such a mature man, maybe I should treat him like a brother but nope, I will always say he is such a noob and shit hahaha. I feel very comfortable saying anything to him and be my true self because he never make me feel bad for who I am. He is very honest with his words and because of this, I will always ask him for his opinion about anything. Khairi is a very outgoing person too and always smile and always positive. There was one time where Khairi and I fought because I hid his pencil case but he doesn't hold grudges and the next day, we became best friends again. He is my little brother because at school, I'm the one that take care of him. If he wants to go to a toilet, I will be his companion. He also gave me money for my tambang bas. Such a good boyy.

Thank you very much, gais. All these times, I always complain about how much people hate me for who I truly am while here you are, always for me no matter what and still be here with me. I really love and appreciate you gais. I hate people but because of you, I feel glad and blessed that I get the opportunity to have you in my life. I hope all of you will always get what you deserve and what you want and you will always achieve success in everything. Please forgive all my wrongs and my flaws and all the things I've done to you. I will always try my best to be the best person so I can return back all your kindness to you. Again, thank you for still wanting to be my friend even in rough times and how much shit I am. 

I'll stop here. I still haven't sleep until now even though I will have online class later this morning. I just feel like I want to express my appreciation and reflect on every blessings that I have. I hope I can keep these blessings forever and always blessed with new blessings.

Thank you, God for giving me this beautiful moments.

Date : 8 May 2020, Friday
Weather : Very dark but beautiful
Feeling : Feeling alright and blessed and wanting to hug them 

Lazy - Anxiety

Wednesday, May 6, 2020 @ 3:28 PM | 0 Comment(s)

Hello. That picture above is me, at Pantai Tanjung Lipat Likas, Kota Kinabalu.

I really want to live in KK someday and work there and raise my kid there (if I get married)

Many complain that they are bored and can't wait for the quarantine to be over meanwhile, here I am at Sandakan, just chilling and listening to music for hours until my ears kinda hurt because of the loud volume. I'm such a lazy person and sometimes I feel bad about this because I can't work hard if I want to because at the end of the day, I will let time to eat me up and finish all the work during last minutes. I want to be a successful person too but what is a good aim without a true effort from your mindset? I'm trying my best to work hard but argh I can't help myself being lazy all day long. But it's okay. Remember my motto - Slowly but surely!

*trying to lie to myself by having a positive thinking :3

Lately, I feel alright. Hm, this is quite worrying me. Because I feel something fishy hmmm

And because of this, I purposely throw myself into depression by thinking all the shitty things that I've done to other people.

During quarantine, all I do is just lying on the floor with blankets then listening to music for hours. I will "study" only during midnight. Can I be a successful person with this attitude?

And I try to be a lot more calm by sticking my view of life on all the blessings that I have right now. Long ago, I had such an awful anxiety for years. An anxiety til you could not even control your own self. It was really awful. The way I talk and walk all different and I could not take control of it. It only happened when I was at school. When I was homed or away from everyone else, that was when I can finally grab myself. It was really hard and shitty for me til I cried to feel calm and alright.

I'm such an awkward person but now I'm trying my best to not let anxiety take control over me anymore. One of the way for me to control my anxiety was, I always hold handkerchief every damn time. It kinda helped me. But I don't want to do that anymore because I might could never fight this anxiety if I remain in a safe place. So, I just do what I want to do. I scream. And I don't hold handkerchief anymore.

Now, many told me that I don't have any shame. Honestly, I feel really happy when they told me that even if that is not a compliment because finally, I able to be myself and anxiety is no longer in my soul.

Alright. I will stop here because I have an online class at 4 o'clock after this.

Wish me luck and all the best to me, you, and everyone!

Date : 6 May 2020, Wednesday
Weather : Sunny and calm day
Feeling : Feeling alright

Melodic, I Am

Friday, April 17, 2020 @ 4:34 AM | 0 Comment(s)

That picture above is an old picture of me wearing all black but still looking cute.

I love melodic so much. Melodic is music but for me, for specifically, melodic is the melody, the rhythm, the beautiful dancing sound, and more. It's quite hard for me to describe, I could only show you how it feels like if you listen to more melodic hardcore genre.

I've been a huge fan of melodic hardcore since I was 14 years old. My brother and I are the fanatic fan of Dreambound, a melodic hardcore channel on youtube. Check it out and you'll thank me later because you just found a beautiful world.

Being As An Ocean is one of the melodic hardcore band that I really really love. Check it out!

The number one in my heart is always music. 

The number one person in my heart is always Sara, my best friend, my most favorite person because she is very special. She always support me no matter what and no matter how small or insignificant it is. I could cry if I think about all the beautiful things she has done to me, you know. Because I'm very grateful to have her. I hate life so much, but because of her, I love my life 'cuz I get the opportunity to have her as my best friend.

She is the only one that truly serious and will always be there for me no matter what. I love her very much. Very much 'til I know I haven't love anyone else so much like I love Sara.

I can proudly say I love Sara for my whole life because that is a true fact with true feeling.

I also very thankful for having my best friends named Lina, Tira, Shat, and Khairi. And for having a wonderful family, the Jirasalim's. 

I used to look at the negative sides but now, after realizing all the wonderful blessings that I have, I should be proud and happy, not being sad all the time over some silly drama in life.

And I'm very thankful to God for meeting me lots of people in my life so I can learn more and adapt myself with every kind of situation.

Alright. Bye. This is the second post for today because I just organized my blog so the kerajinan still ada.

Goodbye! Have a great day and be happy with everything!

P/s the view of my blog is fucked up if u view this blog on ur phone. I'm too lazy to fix it so maybe years later I'll fix it. So, if u want to view this blog the way it should be, view it on ur laptop or computer!

Today : 17 April 2020 , Friday, 4:32 a.m
Weather : Quiet night but loud music played on my playlist
Feeling : Feeling alright. Just nais nais.

@ 3:06 AM | 0 Comment(s)

Hello. My name is Asmiza, that picture above is me when I was a little kid.

I tend to overthink shits and feeling too much because I have a sensitive heart. It's not a good thing and not a bad thing either. But because of this, I tend to follow my emotion instead of logical thinking. But because of this also, I understand more and deeply which is quite a good thing if you think it in a positive way.

Long ago when I was form 5, I had this motto that I always remind to myself :

"Nobody gives a fuck, so you should too"

Honestly, this does not give me any good effect on my myself because this motto is full with hate on everyone and myself. Also, this motto is like, you need someone's approval to be happy. But that was my mind, my way of thinking at that time because I hate people.

But now, after experienced more and lost that lost this, I realized there is more inside everything.

Sometimes, I regret and sad because someone doesn't appreciate me the way I appreciate them. But then I realized, there is no point in hoping a return, besides this is not a sincere feeling. Do not expect anything because it only leads to a false hope and demanding a return. A true sincerity is not hoping the same return.

And, I must remind to myself that I shouldn't take anything too personally because at the end it does not matter.

The right one will always stay with you.

I found this one on Facebook : "The most pathetic feeling is when you get in a fight with someone because you expressed what made you upset and instead of apologizing, they find a way to make you feel bad about it so you're left regretting even saying anything at all"

Fuck, I feel this the most because I've experienced it with a friend of mine that I really love. But sometimes, it's okay if they make a mistake to you because everyone makes mistakes plus they don't realize what they are doing at that time, and they don't have the same mind as you so let them be and just forgive them because relationship is always more important than temporary awful feelings.

Appreciate everything even the bad ones.

Don't give up. You haven't came all this way just to quit.

Sometimes, I let my sadness overcome my hopes. Then, I said things like "I won't do that kindness to anyone anymore" or "I want to stop, I want to be sad again until forever because that is what I deserve the most".

Such an unhealthy mindset so I must stop this but still, it is a hard thing to do when shits happen.

When people say bad things, please and please don't take it personally, dear self. Who are they anyway to say things like that about you? Plus, fuck em. And it is actually kind of stupid for them to have that such attitude so just let them be and pray for them so they will aware of what they have done wrong.

Now, I have this one motto that I always remind to myself on anything.

"Take time. Slowly but surely!"

It means that everything takes time and please have patience. Good things will come so keep on believing and work hard on your hopes and dreams!

Oh, I also have this another one motto "Try to understand both sides of a coin" which means, try to understand every aspects and on every sides of a situation, and also try to understand the other person by imagining yourself in his/her shoes.

Eh, I also have this another motto too hehe "Appreciation and Sincerity" which means I must include these two in everything in life.

Honestly, most people don't like being with me because I always spread negativity. Well, I can't help myself from talking about sadness and depression stuffs. But I don't hurt anyone's sensitivity or feelings. I just express what I feel and is that wrong? One of a friend of mine once told me this "Don't show your sadness. nobody likes that".

I hate him for saying these cruel words to me because I was very upset and sad at that time and he said those to me. As a friend, you should support your friend, not making him/her feel a lot more down. Then I swore to myself to never express any sad feelings to him anymore. I don't want to have a deep relationship with someone that hate sadness or think that sadness is a bad thing or don't even care about feelings.

Yes, sadness is a bad thing but why judge it? Why judge my sensitive heart?

And I hate it when someone say sorry to me if they offended me or something. Yes, it's a good thing to do but fuck, am I so weak, so pathetic, not strong enough for you to say those words? And I hate when someone feel sorry to me. Fuck, I can do this on my own and please show some respect to me. Mind your own business, please.

Honestly, when people do shits on me, I will forget about it but I will set boundary and will never want to tolerate again with these kind of people.

Quite selfish but I would like to protect my heart from anyone that has the potential to ruin it.

I shouldn't say this because it's like they have a control on my heart but I'm still trying to not let anything or anyone to control it except myself.

So let me use this kind of unhealthy thinking until I able to control my heart and my feeling and stay calm.

Alright, I'll stop here. I just want to express everything so my future self could see her old shitty self and laugh at this stupid writing.

Goodbye!

Today : 17 April 2020 , 3:05 a.m
Weather : Quiet night
Feeling : Feeling alright 

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